Dear Art Blog,

      I’ve never been good at maintaining a journal. Like many of my personal projects I would work on it for a little while before dropping it shortly after, but I thought I’d give it another go. So far this year I became another year older. Oh joy. Another year gone by and I’ve done nothing with my life. What I have been doing these past few years is wake up, go to work, go home, and sleep. Very common routine many people have. This is like playing a track on repeat, except I don’t like the song. The thing is ever since high school I wanted to be an artist. I just wanted draw illustrations and comics that I thought were cool. That was a really long time ago now.

      By the time I became a freshman in high school I fell into depression. I attended a not so great school. That’s putting it kindly. There would be random metal detector days supervised by what I assumed were officers. I saw fights in and out of school. I was already an introvert, but here I pretended to be invisible. I just wished I wasn’t there.

      Back in my middle school years I was an A/A- student. I thought academics came naturally to me. Well. Until I took the SATs to be placed in a high school. I didn’t take studying for the SATs and finding a high school seriously. I thought my excellent report card grades was going to be an indicator of how well I’d do on the SAT. Spoiler it wasn’t. As for picking high schools I just picked whatever. Why? Because I was a lazy idiot. Fast forward and I got what I deserved.

      Let me tell you I was desperate to get out just in my first year. I complained to my mom begging to get out and even suggesting attending a private school. Affording private school simply wasn’t in the budget, and it wasn’t a guarantee that I’d be any happier. I was an angsty teenager at the time. I tried retaking the SATs three more times. THREE TIMES. I also got crap scores. THREE TIMES. What a way to burst the vision of myself being an academic prodigy. Looking back on this memory it is quite humbling to get knocked down a peg, or several stories.

      During my time in high school I was consuming a ton of anime and manga. Watching anime helped me cope with my depression and helped me escape reality. I loved watching series such as One Piece and Ouran HighSchool Host Club. Anything that could make me laugh or take me on a far away adventure I watched the heck out of. This spurred a desire in me to draw. Being an anime watching teenager you could bet that my drawings were terrible. I drew terrible terrible cringey things that shall never see the light of day. Despite that I found drawing to be a healthy outlet that actually made me happy.

      High school did get better near the end, but when I graduated I was definitely relieved that the experience was finally over. Then came college. You’d think I learned from my high school experience and did a ton of research on colleges right? NO! I picked a college located in Long Island simply because they sent a recruiter to my high school. I will admit the recruiter did a good job at selling the college. If you don’t know what Long Island New York is like, then allow me to paint you an image. There are houses and nothing. That’s Long Island.

      Fortunately the college experience was a huge improvement over high school. I majored in graphic design which was the closest thing to art they had. At every opportunity I took all the art related courses that the college had to offer. I had a good rapport with some of my professors, and even made some friends. For my college thesis I made an illustrated children’s book. That was the most difficult thing I’ve done up to that point, but I got it done. I even self published it and a few people received copies. Those people are of course mainly family members.

      Looking back on college I feel that I didn’t really do the best I could. I’m not really a go-getter type of person. I didn’t pursue work studies, internships, or even a job outside of college. I didn’t ask my professors the right questions on how I can make it in the real world, or how I could really improve my art. Lots of missed opportunities.

      After college you get a job right? If my previous two stories are any indicator then it’s no surprise I didn’t do well here either. The few interviews I did get I bombed. I’m terrible at selling myself, and also talking to people. I got into my own head alot. I kept telling myself that I’d never be able to get the job because I was too inexperienced, or didn’t have the right credentials. As a result I was unemployed for a long while. I had a gig here and there, but nothing substantial. Eventually I landed a job in retail. Oh boy that college degree sure came in handy.

      For those who have never worked in retail allow me to sum up the experience. It sucks. Some customers were so terrible that I’d smack talk them behind closed doors with my coworkers. I’d imagined scenarios where I retorted something clever and then everyone cheered. This happened alot. Knowing that I was busting my butt for minimum wage really made working retail a negative star experience. I recall requesting to join as a full time associate, and mind you at this time I was at my peak performance. The managers seemed to have taken it well, and I was feeling good about the future. Then they hired somebody else to my department. What a gut punch. That person ended up quitting after only a few months. So I’m up next right? Nope. They hired somebody else yet again. My attitude soured and I reduced my availability. Eventually COVID hit and I was laid off. Five wasted years.

      At this point I was just a depressed sack of crap. After about a year I was very lucky to have a relative get me a job at the company they worked at. Yaayyyy nepotism. Okay I get it. Nepotism isn’t something to praise or brag about, but I did put in the work. The company requested I get a relevant degree for the position I was filling so I did. I worked part-time and attended college at night and weekends. I was so tired that I would doze off at my desk. Once I completed my degree I worked at the company full time, and that’s where I am today and the same song has been on repeat since.

      I know I know. I should be grateful to have a job, and believe me I give it my best effort everyday. Growing up I always thought that if I performed well and followed the rules I would be rewarded. Spoiler alert life doesn’t always work that way. I never accomplished things on my own because I always found them “too difficult” to do. It’s just much easier to become complacent and fall into a set routine that is assigned to you.

      Amongst other things I’m out of shape and my financial future looks shaky. Looking in retrospect all those “bad” things that happened was because I let it. Even though I don’t want bad things to happen to me doesn’t mean I won’t let them happen to me. I found letting life just happen was the path of least resistance, rather than making any effort to course correct.

      I still draw a little here and there, but at that rate it wasn’t going to be anything more than a hobby. I still think about it though. I have all these story and illustration ideas that just live in my head with no place to go. Those thoughts and wants never really leave. Sometimes I don’t think about them for a stretch of time, but they always come back. I’ve been having these thoughts for over twenty years now. And you know what? Despite all the times I dropped art and let myself down. I still think I want to be an artist.

Thanks for reading,

chuk chan

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